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Society of Automotive Engineers of Japan, Inc. Archived from the original on 2 October Retrieved 12 September This was Japan's first proper 4-wheeled minicar. It was released in October with a 2-stroke, cc engine. The 'Suzu' of the name was an abbreviation of its manufacturer, Suzuki, and 'light' indicated both the nimble operation of the car and evoked an image of illumination. The Suzulight was the first Japanese vehicle to successfully mount a 2-stroke engine in a 4-wheeled car, and it was also the first wholly Japanese vehicle to use a front-engine front-wheel drive set up.

MSN Canada. Retrieved 25 August Given the current global economic downturn, all bets are off on reaching its sales target, but Suzuki's Canadian operation is currently operating with the throttle wide open nevertheless. Economic Bulletin of Senshu University in Japanese. Tokyo, Japan. Motorcycles — Global Suzuki. Archived from the original on 8 March Retrieved 19 August The official Isle of Man TT website. Isle of Man Department of Economic Development. Retrieved 24 August The two-lap 50cc race was regarded as a bit of a giggle by some cynics, but they could not have been proved more wrong as the Grand Prix battles between Suzuki, Honda and Kreidler spilled on to the Mountain Course.

History was made in the 50cc race, which was increased to three laps after the previous year's success. Motorcycle USA. Suzuki was in a unique position though. In addition to celebrating its 50th year in , it also saw the end of automobile production in the States following approval of bankruptcy filings in March. Its styling was ahead of its time, which assured its favorable reception. Archived from the original on 4 October TT Retrieved 26 August The Weekly Times. Retrieved 4 September The original Jimny, the LJ10, was unveiled in Japan in — although it first appeared in Australia in as the LJ20, powered by a cc water-cooled two-stroke engine.

Archived from the original on 6 February This motorcycle had a water-cooled, 2-stroke, 3-cylinder engine that provided good acceleration over a wide speed range from low to high. Technologies developed for Grand Prix racing were incorporated into the body structure and brakes. Easily visible meters and other features were also provided. Archived from the original on 11 November This masterpiece of ambition was equipped with a water-cooled, single-rotor Wankel rotary engine.

The RE-5 gained popularity all over the world for its completely unique design by Giorgetto Giugiaro, as well as its peripheral port system and twin mufflers. Suzuki Philippines Inc. Since , Suzuki came into the Philippine motoring scene through the able management of Rufino D. Antonio and Associates Inc wherein they handled nationwide distribution of Suzuki motorcycles.

Pak Suzuki Motor Co. Archived from the original on 24 September Retrieved 14 September Nihon Keizai Shimbun. Tokyo: 7. Archived from the original on 9 March Tokyo: 1. AutoWeb News. Archived from the original on 22 March Retrieved 2 September Marking a new beginning for the giant Japanese car, motorcycle and marine manufacturer in Australia, the new purpose-built complex will be in Melbourne rather than Sydney, the company's home for 18 years. Archived from the original on 2 January The New York Times.

The companies hope to gain an edge in the increasingly competive [sic] market for small, fuel-efficient cars with an engine displacement of 1, cubic centimeters and under. The agreement provides for each of the three companies to acquire shares in the other companies and to offer mutual technological and marketing assistance. AOL Inc. GM has held an equity stake in Suzuki since , when it purchased approximately 5. GM's stake was diluted to 3. In , GM sold a Archived from the original on 7 February MSN Autos Canada. Retrieved 3 September Though the Samurai wasn't the first Suzuki off-roader to be sold in Canada, it was more popular.

Arriving in , the rugged and affordable ute quickly became popularity. Unfortunately its high centre of gravity and quick steering made it prone to rollovers. Sales ended in Canada in , but continued in the U. In Suzuki continued to enjoy a developing level of success in the domestic market, but it was with the export of the SJ that the company really broke into new markets. Archived from the original on 26 September Retrieved 11 September Suzuki Motor Corp owns Business Recorder.

Retrieved 7 September A year later, the Company started its operations, which were initially limited to the assembly and marketing of Suzuki FX. Tokyo: The Express Tribune. While the public was still enamoured with the three-wheel layout, Suzuki figured a fourth wheel couldn't hurt. While three-wheelers are nimble and agile, their triangular arrangement made them prone to rollover accidents. The fourth wheel dramatically reduced the risk of toppling over, creating what we recognize today as an ATV.

The Suzuki RGG was the dream machine of road bikes, developed using technologies that Suzuki had accumulated on the Grand Prix racing circuit. Every imaginable technology was packed into the machine, including the first aluminum square-pipe frame in the world to be used on a mass-market motorcycle. Green Car Reports. The last time the American market saw a Suzuki Swift was in Some of you might not remember the Swift, but you might recall its very close cousin the Geo Metro.

The Suzuki Swift was originally named the Suzuki Cultus and first introduced to the Japanese market in From on, the Cultus was marketed in seven countries under several different nameplates, the best-known of which were Suzuki Swift and Geo Metro. Since we have been without the Swift nameplate, but recent news has pointed to the return of the Suzuki Swift for Retrieved 9 September The first shipload of fuel-efficient, horsepower cars, called the Cultus, left for the United States from central Japan on Sunday, he said. But because the cars are Japanese-made, they fell under that country's United States import quotas and the government allowed G.

Orlando Sentinel. When the Suzuki Samurai entered the United States in late Its handling at highway speeds was frightening. And it was noisy Today the Samurai is selling at the impressive rate of 8, vehicles per month, largely to younger buyers, 25 and under.

It's also appearing before a growing number of juries in court cases stemming from roll-over accidents Suzuki says its first-generation Samurai vehicles are safe. The plaintiffs disagree. Presumably, the courts will decide who's right. Samurai sales, which had been running at 5, to 6, a month for the first five months of the year, dipped to 2, in June after the Consumers Union report. That allowed dealers to cut prices aggressively, and at the same time Suzuki increased its advertising. The Suzuki GSX-R came onto the market equipped with the styling and mechanisms of endurance-racing motorcycles.

Suzuki incorporated into this mass-market vehicle technologies that it had developed through its racing experience, and it became a best-seller in the cc class. Sales reached one million in and the three million mark was passed in However, expansion of Suzuki's subcompact lineup and the increasing popularity of RV-style subcompacts like Suzuki's own Type R slowed production of the Alto. Los Angeles Times.

Retrieved 15 September Analysts said Suzuki will be the pioneer in the 'mini-sport utility' market, a segment in which the domestic companies have announced no plans to compete. The Big Three U. But in our campaign, you won't see any reference to what kind of car it is. Let the buyer define it.

About Us. Unlike three other Asian auto plants being built in Canada, the companies said they have agreed to abide by a treaty between the United States and Canada requiring greater Canadian content in cars produced here. Mazda Motor Corporation. Edmunds Inc. But before the Toyota and Honda SUVs were even a gleam in product planners' eyes, Suzuki had virtually invented the compact soft-roader market with the debut of the Escudo in Japan and launched a year later in the U.

Also Monday, American Suzuki announced its automobile lineup. The Samurai is being de-emphasized, with fewer models and options being offered. Meanwhile, the Sidekick—a squat version of the Samurai with a lower center of gravity, is being offered in several new configurations. As last year, there will be three models of the Swift. Car Market Within Reach". Chicago Tribune. The plant is scheduled to open in April. Magyar Suzuki Zrt. Retrieved 13 September Japanese auto makers have started marketing mini-vehicles with upgraded standards, bolstering prospects for recovery of the mini-car market, industry sources said today.

The Suzuki Motor Corporation began the first major Japanese investment in Eastern Europe today, signing a joint venture project that will start producing hatchback passenger cars at a former Soviet military base in northern Hungary next year. Treece 22 September Bloomberg Businessweek. But its rivals were introducing cars with newer technology. New Zealand Herald. Looking like the runt of the litter from an unholy union between a Mazda MX-5 and a Dodge Viper, the Cappuccino was a rear-wheel drive convertible that featured a removable roof and roll bar and was powered by a mighty cc three-cylinder engine.

It was produced from until and a few are still visible on local roads, but now it seems there is a rumour doing the rounds that Suzuki is considering reviving its little RWD hero for a launch in ! The Economist. Under the terms of the joint venture, Suzuki and the government take turns in nominating MUL's managing director, for five years at a time. The present boss, Ravindra Bhargava, was Suzuki's choice. His term runs out this month, and the government and Suzuki cannot agree on his successor.

The head of the Japanese firm, Osamu Suzuki, has been invited to India to help make the final decision. Even if a compromise is reached, this may be just a preliminary skirmish in a battle for control. Retrieved 18 September Suzuki formed Wangjian Suzuki Motorcycle Co. China Auto News. The Suzuki Alto 20th Anniversary Edition has been launched on the China car market, price starts at Best thing: it comes only in Pink!

The pinky special edition celebrates the 20th birthday of the Chang'an-Suzuki joint venture that started making the second generation Suzuki Alto in June Archived from the original on 18 September The Wagon R has a short bonnet and a tall body style. Featuring upright seats for ease of ingress and egress, its spacious passenger compartment accommodates 4 adults.

It has a fully flat luggage compartment with a generous amount of space. The Wagon R has a highly rigid body and a wide field of vision and demonstrates its environmental consciousness by adopting the new Ra refrigerant. Archived from the original on 6 May Suzuki called it the Wagon R. Launched in late , Aoshima's creation became Japan's car of the decade. It accommodates four adults and luggage, and has seats that recline, fold flat into a bed or tuck away to maximize storage space.

Every Japanese minicar maker borrowed the Wagon R concept, and it appeared later in the two Mercedes designs, the A-class and the Smart. The Hindu. Retrieved 19 September The first Maruti vehicle, a Maruti , was rolled out on 14 December The first million was reached in March while the second million was completed in October The three millionth vehicle was rolled out in June while the four millionth vehicle was manufactured in April , the last million being the fastest, coming in just two years. The Independent. Last month, Suzuki, owners of 84 per cent of Andalusia's only car plant, Santana Motor, announced a 'suspension of payments' — its liquidity could not cover its short-term debts.

It said it would not invest another peseta, that a new investor would have to come up with 38 billion pesetas around pounds m and that 60 per cent of Santana's 2, workers would have to go. The financial newspaper Investment said the factory, located in the Bien Hoa industrial zone north of Ho Chi Minh City, had set a production goal of 10, trucks and 30, motorcycles per year. The venture's product will be sold locally in Viet Nam and exported. Viet Nam News. VietNamNet Bridge. Suzuki has been operating in Vietnam since with the construction of a motorcycle and automobile plant in Long Binh Techno Park in Dong Nai Province.

In , it built a new motorcycle plant to meet demands from the expanding market in Vietnam with an annual output of 80, units, also in Long Binh Techno Park. Recreational Boating Building Industry. Polson Enterprises. Retrieved 20 September Suzuki also qualifies as a four-stroke innovator, having won the American marine industry's top prize last year for its and horsepower models. Tests show that Suzuki has better acceleration than its competitors. In fact, Suzuki's engines have proved to be so good that the company now makes all the four-strokes for Outboard Marine Corp.

The auto manufacturer released what it said was evidence that CU, which publishes Consumer Reports magazine, rigged results in to make the vehicle look bad and boost magazine sales. In its comment on roll-over standards, presented to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration yesterday, the car maker included an affidavit from a former Consumers Union test mechanic that after the car failed to tip after several runs, a senior Consumers Reports editor in effect instructed the testers to find someone who could make the car go up on two wheels. Suzuki said a videotape of the test, obtained from Consumers Union under a court procedure, also reveals a car tester yelling, 'All right, Ricky baby!

India Today. It hopes to use Suzuki as a springboard to increase its presence there. Rediff On The Net. The government has signed a memorandum of understanding and settlement with the Suzuki Motor Corporation under which appointments of chairmen and managing directors of their joint venture, Maruti Udyog Limited, will be made only after mutual consultation. Changan Suzuki Automobile Co.

Chongqing Changan Automobile Company Limited. Archived from the original on 21 September Changan Suzuki is mainly engaged in four products series: LingYang came to market in June ; Swift came to market in April ; TianYu SX4 sedan came to market by the end of and SX4 hatchback came to market in March ; new Alto came to market in September Retrieved 16 February Asahi Shimbun.

The maker had produced motorcycles and small commercial vehicles in Myanmar under a joint company with a state-backed enterprise since , when the country was ruled by a military government. Bloomberg L. Myanmar Suzuki Motor Co. The company was founded in and is based in Yangon, Myanmar. And after nearly 30 years on these shores, the company had failed to craft much of an identity among American consumers.

In China, Malaysia and elsewhere, Suzukis are seen as cheap yet stylish transportation, an image that it could never build here. Suzuki's models were never top of their class in any particular measure; the year battle with Consumer Reports over its pillory of the Suzuki Samurai didn't help. Among motorcycle enthusiasts, the Suzuki Hayabusa remains legend as the world's fastest production bike, but Suzuki never found a way to translate the enthusiasm for its two-wheeled products to those with four.

THE BUDVAR BIKE

Archived from the original on 16 October Retrieved 16 October High-speed plated cylinders were used for the engine, and excellent piston cooling efficiency was achieved through the use of a compact and lightweight cylinder block and crankshaft. The multi-reflector low beam and projector high beam were characteristically laid out one above the other. Large air intakes to introduce boost pressure were laid out on both sides of the lights in locations that maximize running wind pressure. This contributed to greatly increased horsepower and torque. A large capacity clutch helped to realize fine gear engagement and light clutch feeling.

The aerodynamic performance was optimized by an elaborate design around the cowling featuring a one-piece front fender, air intakes, and the like, as well as by optimal layout of the radiator and oil cooler. Retrieved 2 October American Suzuki Motor Corp. Suzuki will be responsible for directing all of Brea-based American Suzuki's operations, including its automotive, motorcycle and marine divisions. Suzuki began his career with Suzuki Motor Corp. He joined Suzuki Canada Inc. He launched Suzuki Motor's automotive division operations in Canada.

No timeframe was given for his departure. Generations of GM History. GM Heritage Center. Archived from the original on 4 April Retrieved 30 September Also unveiled in Switzerland for the Geneva show and likely to come to America: the Suzuki Liana, a five-door compact minivan-like vehicle known in Japan as the Aerio. The Liana, based on the Suzuki Esteem, will come in front-wheel-drive and all-wheel-drive configurations. Fleet News. Bauer Automotive. SUZUKI is claiming its new hatchback will bring unbeatable value to the compact business car sector when it is launched this month. VerticalScope Inc.

Archived from the original on 13 October The Suzuki Choinori was developed to be mainly used for short journeys for commuting and shopping. The appropriate engine output, body structure, and required functions were reviewed from the basic design phase in pursuit of mass reduction, rationalization of parts, and high quality. Such rationalization, including a reduction in the number of parts tightened by nuts and bolts, enabled the Choinori to be sold at the low price of 59, yen. Colored resin was used for plastic parts to provide 6 body colors without the need for painting.

A new high-speed cylinder plating technology was introduced for the newly developed 4-stroke engine to enable high-speed processing at low cost. Suzuki hired its first 60 production workers 24 of them with the Coosa Valley certification in and another last year. Production is running at all-terrain vehicles a day, with a 0. Last year almost 60, quads came off the line. The Japan Times. In fact, the joint project between Suzuki and Fiat is one of the fruits of its relations with GM, which owns 20 percent stakes in both the Japanese and the Italian carmakers.

Canada Co. Introduced to the United States in , the Suzuki Samurai made an instant name for itself with a combination of bargain-basement pricing and real off-road ability, even if it only had 62 hp under the square hood. The good times ended a few years later when Consumer Reports ran the photo above, warning the Samurai 'easily' rolls over in sharp turns. That story sent Samurai sales plunging, and Suzuki filed a libel suit against the magazine in , a year after halting Samurai sales in the face of tougher safety standards. Peltz 9 July The joint statement said Consumer Reports' use of the adverb 'easily' in describing the Samurai's tendency to roll over might 'have been misconstrued and misunderstood.

Global Suzuki News. Suzuki Motor Company. Retrieved 10 September It is also to show, with this phrase, our devotion to creating cars that will bring true customer satisfaction. Suzuki Canada Inc. Archived from the original on 1 September Svb Automotores do Brasil Ltda. The all-new SX4 features a versatile, rigid five-door design, a standard all-wheel-drive system and for the U. Suzuki still has a long way to go to become a household word as far as four-wheel vehicles go, but they're now better prepared to take on the big dogs with vehicles like the XL7.

The trick is to get customers into their showrooms and, as a corollary, for potential customers to find those dealers. The Guardian. Retrieved 1 October For the first time, Suzuki sold more cars in India than in Japan during the first half of the fiscal year and by March will be making nearly 1 million cars a year in the country. Associated Press. The announcement of the timetable for production of the Suzuki truck at Nissan's plant in Tennessee coincided Tuesday with Suzuki officials saying the company would build a new compact hatchback in India that will be sold worldwide.

Suzuki Global News. In the U. Suzuki's U. In , Rick Suzuki, the grandson of the company founder, predicted U. Unfortunately for ASMC employees, Rick Suzuki also wrote in the letter that due to the fact the company reported operating losses in , it will reduce its U. The Commercial Appeal.

The Nissan Frontier is ideally suited as the basis for the Equator, which is scheduled to arrive later this year. It's compact dimensions slightly larger than a Ford Ranger and just a touch smaller than the mid-size Toyota Tacoma neatly fits Suzuki's small-car-focused lineup, yet its solid body-on-frame construction and impressive power from an available V6 give it tremendous versatility.

Archived from the original on 5 June Nicholson 9 December In the deal, which is subject to regulatory approval and is expected to close in January, Volkswagen will purchase Suzuki will invest up to half of that amount received from Volkswagen into shares of Volkswagen. Japan Times. Retrieved 16 January Archived from the original on 29 June Rome News-Tribune. Rod Lopusnak, U. VW appears to have had a hidden agenda, which was to bring Suzuki into its group as an affiliate. Such an intention was revealed in VW's annual report published in March that listed Suzuki as a consolidated entity within the group.

This 'Freudian slip' caused shockwaves in Hamamatsu and was the last straw for Chairman Suzuki. Suzuki, a specialist in building small cars profitably for emerging markets, said on Thursday it initiated arbitration procedures with the International Chamber of Commerce International Court of Arbitration in London. A spokesman for Volkswagen reiterated that the company believed there was 'no legal basis whatsoever obliging us to surrender our shares. The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved 3 October For Suzuki, the new Indonesia plant is part of a campaign to expand rapidly in Asian markets outside Japan, and to solidify its lead in India.

While the company remains committed to its home market, sluggish demand and intense competition there have led it—and most other Japanese auto makers—to seek growth abroad. The yen's rise to record highs against the dollar has made exports from Japan less competitive, so the makers are ramping up production elsewhere.

Leicester Mercury. Archived from the original on 29 October Retrieved 26 October It is a big step towards the mass production of automotive fuel cell systems. Given the rash of publicity that has been mounting around the already-certified, ready-to-go Suzuki was granted Whole Vehicle Type Approval in March for the Burgman Burgman FC scooter, it will almost certainly be the new company's first commercial product. The Nation. The launch of the model, designed to run more than 20 kilometres per litre of fuel, followed a similar launch by Mitsubishi Motors Thailand of its new Mirage model on Tuesday.

Five Japanese automobile manufacturers won tax privileges to design and produce compact, fuel-efficient passenger cars for the domestic and export market. Suzuki said that its 'automotive division was facing a number of serious challenges,' including the low sales volume, a dearth of models, the unfavorable exchange rate between the U. Car and Driver. Hennigan 7 November Michael House.

Lord Jenkins. Roy Davie Jenkins. Roy Davey Jenkins. Lord Roy Jenkins. Schlesinger , Richard E. In a ranking of chief executives, no more than three of his predecessors could truly be placed in contention with his standing, and of his successors, there are so far none. In acute, stylish prose, Roy Jenkins tac It is now a pastime for a growing number of people. Entire families are riding dirt bikes and ATVs for recreation.

Motocross racing is the fastest growing motor sport behind NASCAR and has captured the imagination of an entire generation of fans who enjoy the excitement of extreme sports. Roy Jenkins started riding motorcycles in the early 70s and was a successful amateur racer by the He spent sixty-three of his eighty-nine years in the House of Commons and was prime minister four times, a unique accomplishment.

From his critical role in the formation of the Li Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist? A: A man who is at two with the universe Q: How much "ego" do you need? A: Just enough so that you don't step in front of a bus. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' well, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

Place : A New York City street. Upon seeing the hapless, drunken man slowly coming their way, they decide not to stare at him and shame him, but to simply look down at the sidewalk pavement as they proceed, silently saying prayers to themselves for his well-being in the embrace of the good Lord. When the gracious women have drawn even nearer to where he is, he accidentally, awkwardly lurches to his left, right into their oncoming path. The nuns simply and deftly separate for a moment, one nun going around to his left, and the other nun going around to his right, before they come together again and proceed to walk down the street arm in arm.

What a miracle! How in the world did she do that? As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. To test me, please send money. No sense being pessimistic. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? What do they call Church pastors in Germany?

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German Shepherds. Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. Dear God, I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. Dear God, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Dear God, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK? Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

That was cool. On his way out, the little tyke called out, "Y'all please pray for me! She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to where one little girl was working diligently, the teacher asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

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At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had posted a note on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. My Mom is a good cook. DEATH When the family's dog died, a mother tried to gently break the news to her little 5-year-old daughter. MORE DEATH A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.

Books and papers were soon spread out all over the room while little Zachary applied himself, hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

Racing Fuel for the Spirit: Inspirational Devotions and Stories for Motorcycle Riders

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made such a difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room to study even more. She could no longer hold her curiosity. Was it the nuns? Is he still unemployed? But he is meditating now. Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to mph. Then they heard the siren. The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. The proprietor pocketed the bill. They looked out of place amidst the young families and young couples eating there that night.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one veggie burger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain veggie burger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of veggie burger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. You said that you share everything.

What is it that you are waiting for? Thy Kingdom, pursuant to terms and conditions, come. Thy will, duly uncontested, be done on earth, inasfar as existing statutes permit, as it is in Heaven. Give us this Thirty-first day of December, , our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, notwithstanding claims, liens and legal costs, as we, who shall be termed party of the second part, forgive our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation, i. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and, pending appeal, the Glory forever. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful.


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Blessed are they that thirst for justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven. Thank you! Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell! Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is. They determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

They were sitting on beach chairs, and enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a great-looking blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them. They were both stunned. The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again the two priests in disguise settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would truly evoke my almighty power of blessing. The man thought about it for a long time. A: He enters Nerdvana. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? What were you thinking?

Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish? Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. Breathe out. Breathe in. Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, cheese danish. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes nobodies. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel. For the goyim : a kugel is a baked side-dish, a salty casserole or sweet pudding.

An old Jew got a parrot from his sons after his wife died, to keep him company. Eventually he discovered that the parrot had heard him pray so often that it, too, had learned to pray. When he entered with the bird, the rabbi tried to protest, but when the old man told them all that the parrot could pray, they got interested--though skeptical. People started betting on whether the parrot would pray, and the old man happily took all the bets.

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The prayer started--the bird was silent. The prayer continued--not a word from the bird. The prayer ended, and the old man, crestfallen, paid out the bets. I know you can pray, you know you can pray, and I bet you can pray--and you let me down! Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.

How do you expect to live very long doing such things? But then I got to be 95, then , then So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me Forty-five years of misery is enough. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.

They have no holidays. My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I'm Jewish. I don't work out athletically. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?

Q: What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? A: Oil of Oy Vey. A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Four Jewish mothers are sitting together playing bridge. A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, riding in the same subway car, noticed this bizarre phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. Why are you reading an Arab newspaper? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched over to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world.

The news here is so much better! After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Whoosh! But the fly was still buzzing around. But circumcision THAT takes skill!

They were preparing to stone her to death. The unfortunate young woman collapsed dead on the spot. While they were there, the wife passed away. I just can't take that chance. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on? Give up your precious religion for a price? Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Hey, fifty bucks is fifty bucks! I'm going to do it. Twenty minutes later he comes out with his head bowed. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in New York and mine is in New Jersey. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. A guy complains of a headache. By the way, you have a nice house! I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV? I said, "Dust! In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher And that is a good thing for any man. Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such persons as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. Mencken, d. The whole pleasure of marriage is that it is a perpetual crisis. Chesterton, d. Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline. In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it. After marriage, husband and wife become like two sides of a coin: they can't face each other, but still they stay together. It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. Marriage is give and take.

You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL. Women might be able to fake orgasms.

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But men can fake a whole relationship. Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. If you're pretty, your pretty. But the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it's just "Congratulations about your face. Do both, get married. I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are 1 Why men are all disgusting pigs, and 2 How to attract men.

Focus attention on yourself. Think about yourself. Talk about yourself. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others. Listen greedily to what people say about you. Expect to be appreciated. Be suspicious. Be jealous and envious. Be sensitive to slights. Never forgive a criticism. Trust nobody but yourself. Demand agreement with your own views on everything. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them.

Never forget a service you have rendered someone. Shirk your duties if you can. Do as little as possible for others. Author unknown. Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. In religion and politics people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. Who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. A man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion-— several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.