What they wanted, she assured me, was the chance to be voyeurs. They wanted a peek into my head. They wanted to know how someone like me, a Dominant with over thirty-five years of experience in this lifestyle and in these kinds of relationships, thinks and feels and acts. And, to be brutally honest, I wanted absolutely no part of that. At various times in my life, I have been targeted in one way or another by criminals, enemy soldiers, union thugs, law enforcement officers, political activists, crooked lawyers, newspaper reporters, and even jealous husbands.
Some of those people pointed real guns loaded with real bullets, at me. Others used less obvious, but even more insidious methods that, frankly, made me nostalgic for gunplay. I learned some important lessons from all of that, the most valuable being: Don't make yourself a target. And now, I was being asked to do just that. My immediate reaction was to simply dismiss the idea, outright. I really did not want to make any part of this book all about me. I've spent my entire life playing my cards close to the vest.
I wasn't about to suddenly start playing them face up on the table. Paranoia may not be a winning strategy for everyone, but it's always worked pretty well for me. I promised her that I'd at least think about it. And, I did.
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After about a week of thinking about it, I realized she was right. There really was only one thing I could offer to my readers that no one else could, and that was me - or more accurately, my own unique experiences and thoughts. The rest of it, anyone could write. I've added a section called "My Two Cents. The stories range from pleasant recollections to painful memories; but they are true, and they are told from the heart. If you prefer your BDSM relationship handbooks to be more scholarly than memoirish, feel free to skip merrily past those parts and on to the next chapter.
Seriously, I won't mind. Not one teensy-weensy bit. If I had to categorize myself, I would be very tempted to create a whole new classification for myself and the relatively small number of other Dominants who are like me. I would designate it the White Knight Dom. Yes, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that a person would have to be pretty darn full of himself to think he can willy-nilly create a whole new category of Dominant just for himself and, in fact, you would be absolutely right.
The White Knight Dom wants to right wrongs, slay dragons, rescue beautiful women, treat his submissive like a princess, and become King - and he wants to do it all before lunch. He is driven by a deep sense of chivalry and altruism that transcends what he considers to be the sordid and tawdry business of self-gratification.
The White Knight lives to find solutions to your problems. He gets off on learning what makes you tick. He truly isn't happy unless you're happy. Where other Dominants might seek out submissives for their own gratification, the White Knight seeks them out because that's what a White Knight does as he solves riddles, completes quests, and slays monsters.
For the White Knight, conduct and protocol count for a lot. This is why a submissive's ability to convincingly pull off the classic transformation from "princess in public, to whore in the bedroom" is so important to him. The gallant knight expects - no, demands - that anyone he rescues from the clutches of the beast be future Queen material. The White Knight aspires to be King of his castle, sovereign of the realm, and to be afforded all the rights and privileges thereof. The first and most obvious is you simply can't save everyone, no matter how much you may want to, no matter how hard you try.
Second, there are fewer and fewer princesses to go around, which frankly, is exactly the way princesses like it. Even when a princess can be found and rescued, the fairy tales rarely mention what happens next. The White Knight returns to the castle with his prize in hand, only to be greeted by a royal chorus of crestfallen princesses crying out, "Geez, Sir Knight! Not another princess! When faced with an unsolvable predicament, particularly if someone depends upon his ability to fix whatever may be wrong, the White Knight's shortcomings are felt far more intensely.
People can often sense the White Knight's problem-solving abilities and chivalrous aura and, as a result, sometimes even complete strangers will bare their souls and bring their problems to him, hoping and expecting him to make things right. And sometimes, he actually does. Depending upon whom you ask, a submissive may be described as anything from a human doormat to a conspiratorial behind-the-scenes puppet-master who controls her Dominant without his knowledge.
The reality, as usual, can be found somewhere between those two extremes. For our purposes, we'll simply define a submissive as a person who acts in a compliant or submissive role in life, and especially in relationships. A submissive may be what we call a "true submissive" in the sense that these traits are firmly hard-wired into her psyche and she simply doesn't know any other way to be, or she may be acting out a submissive role, whether consciously or unconsciously. A submissive is defined primarily by her deep-seated desire to serve and please another, while feeling loved, cherished and cared for.
You might be surprised to learn that even the submissive who is an extreme masochist or who craves degradation and humiliation still wants to feel as appreciated and treasured as any other kind of submissive. We will also, for the purposes of this book, continue in the habit of referring to submissives with the feminine pronoun "she. No, nothing of the sort. Besides, having to say "he or she" in every other sentence just hurts my brain. Despite having a handy dictionary-style definition, many readers will still be left with lingering questions regarding whether they, themselves, might be submissives.
To assist you with that conundrum, we'll explore a series of probing questions on the subject, just as we did in the previous chapter. As I cautioned you in our earlier discussion on Dominants, much depends upon how well you know yourself, or at the very least, upon your willingness to do some soul-searching as you ponder these questions.
Additionally, you should give considerable thought to whether your answers are describing your innate, hard-wired core character traits, or roles which you are able to assume or cast off as the situation demands. A true submissive cannot simply remove her "submissive hat" and replace it with a "Dominant hat. We call these people "normal. That's what most normal people do on a day to day basis. It is only when you add the whips and chains aspect that it starts to sound kinky.
For more on switches, see Chapter 3: The Switch. Take a few moments to ponder the following thought- provoking questions as a way to explore your potential inner subbiness: Does the idea of service, particularly service to someone you love and respect, make you happy? Service is a concept that few people give much thought to these days. Obviously, it can mean different things to different people but, generally speaking, it refers to behaving in ways that benefit others. Performing service can be one of the most fulfilling things you can do, whether you are a submissive or not.
I served my country as a soldier for twenty years, and I know without a doubt that I am a better person for having done so. But not all service has to be quite so difficult or life-changing. Doing a little yard work for the elderly widow who lives next door, or volunteering your time to the local food bank are just a few examples of the types of service that benefit the one who performs the service as much as the recipient. If performing service to help a complete stranger can bring you joy and fulfillment, imagine how much happier you might be if you were given the opportunity to do something similar for someone that you love and respect.
If the idea of service to the one you love warms the cockles of your heart, then you just might be a submissive. This question is similar to the previous one regarding service, but there is a distinct difference between service and sacrifice. Service is cooking dinner for your kids. Sacrifice is going hungry so your kids can have dinner. Some people have such a giving nature, they don't know how or when to stop giving, even when it threatens to leave them in dire straits. Feeding the hungry is one thing; giving your last crust of bread to someone who owns a grocery store is another thing entirely.
If you're the sort of person who seems to attract the kind of people who take advantage of your sense of sacrifice, then you just might be a submissive. Do you generally prefer to avoid contention and confrontation at all costs? People typically fall into two categories when it comes to dealing with personal confrontation.
There are those who enthusiastically leap into the fray, swinging their sabers and boisterously singing a swashbuckling pirate song, and there are those who would rather have a root canal. An argument or fight with someone who is self-assertive, aggressive, or intimidating can send someone who is non- confrontational into an emotional death spiral of discomfort, self-doubt, and anger. Not all submissives react to confrontation in this way, but if you do, you just might be one.
Does the idea of having to make important decisions without assistance make you uncomfortable? In each of our lives, there will inevitably be critical decisions that have to be made about our finances, careers, relationships, quality of life, and similar matters. How often do you typically make those decisions alone? When you do, how comfortable are you about doing so? Or, do you seek out the advice and guidance of a trusted family member, friend or colleague?
Remember, you're not being asked whether or not you are capable of making decisions on your own. The question is how do you feel about it? If having the benefit of assistance or guidance from a trusted friend would make you feel much better about in making that critical decision, you just may be a submissive. In chaotic, confusing, or dangerous situations, do you instinctively look for someone who knows what is going on to tell you what to do or where to go?
As I stated previously, most people can perform admirably in either a dominant or submissive role as needed in their day-to-day lives. To learn whether you are psychologically hard-wired to be a submissive, you need to dig a little deeper than that. Another way to accomplish the same thing is to take note of what happens when you are under a great deal of stress or duress, when fear and confusion short-circuit your ability to act out a role.
It is in those moments of dread and anxiety that the facade is stripped away momentarily and the foundational character traits are laid bare for all to see. The question isn't whether or not you are fearful. The question is: When experiencing terrible fear, do you instinctively become a leader or a follower? If you find more comfort as a follower than as a leader in times of great stress or danger, then you just may be a submissive. Does it give you a thrill when the person you love takes charge in the bedroom?
Once again, let me caution you about misinterpreting the question. This is not a question about whether you can or do take charge sexually in the bedroom. This question is about how you feel when someone else does. It's about who you are, how you relate, and how you feel. Some people find this difficult to believe, but your competency at demonstrating dominant behaviors in your sex life has nothing to do with whether or not you may be a submissive.
But whether or not having your hair pulled during rough sex sends tingles to your crotch just might. If the mere thought of your partner showing you who's boss in the bedroom causes your heart to go all aflutter, then you just may be a submissive. Do you seem inexplicably attracted to highly assertive, self-confident people? Have you developed a sort of intuitive radar for spotting the alpha individual in any room? If so, you are definitely not alone. Many natural submissives have, over the course of their lifetimes, developed and honed this ability, often without even realizing it.
Similarly, many gays and lesbians are able to utilize a finely tuned "gaydar" sense that helps them to spot subtle body language and other nonverbal cues that can help to identify potential partners. When you walk into a room full of strangers, do your "spidey senses" immediately home in on that alpha person? Or perhaps you can simply feel his or her direct gaze upon you from clear across the room.
If any, or all, of these scenarios sound familiar to you, you just might be a submissive. Do you feel good about changing your appearance, behavior, or habits in order to please your partner? People generally tend to fall into three categories, when it comes to altering how they look or act in order to please someone else. Just for fun, I sometimes like to characterize the three categories as salmon, cats, and dogs. Salmon swim against the current. The salmon folks are those who are fiercely independent and completely uncompromising when it comes to their appearance and behavior.
A person in this category not only enjoys blazing her own path, but often seeks out and enjoys the opportunity to swim against the tide of opinion, even if it is the opinion of the person whose opinion she values the most. She's the one who says, "Honey, I love you, but if you try to tell me what to wear, how to look, or how much I should weigh, I will rip your balls off and feed them to the dog.
A cat person is one who is ambivalent or even apathetic about this issue. If her appearance or behavior pleases her mate great, but his opinion carries no more weight - and often less - than anyone else's does. She worries about what people think, just not so much about what her partner thinks. Dogs are eager to please. They are not only willing to alter their appearance and behavior to please their partners, they live for it. The dog person derives a tremendous amount of joy and fulfillment from the approval that comes from her mate as the result of any change in her wardrobe or hair color, the success of her diet, or progress in overcoming bad habits.
If you fit into this latter category; if you've ever found yourself asking your partner what you should wear, how you should eat, or whether you should quit smoking, then there's a very good chance that you might be a submissive. Pass your papers to the front of the class. Let's take a moment here to reiterate the point that there are no right or wrong answers to any of the preceding questions.
They are simply designed to get you thinking about what is really going on inside of your head and in your heart. It is entirely possible to have answered all of the introspection questions in the negative, and yet still be a submissive. Conversely, you could have been nodding in complete and utter agreement with every question, and still not be a submissive.
To say it can be an incredibly complicated issue would be a gross understatement. If only it were as easy as going to the pharmacy, purchasing a test kit, and taking it home to pee on a little plastic stick. Red for Dominant, blue for submissive, purple for switches, and yellow for everyone else. Life really would be so much simpler. After all, it sometimes needs to be said that one's submission is not something that can be taken from you by force.
It is something that you give willingly to someone who deserves it.
So, in the sense that it is willingly given, submission is most definitely a gift. There are also some people who may not fully appreciate the very real and intrinsic value of one's submission to her Dominant. If a submissive is plagued with serious self-esteem issues, she may view herself as worthless and, therefore, her submission as equally worthless. In such a case, it becomes necessary and appropriate to teach her that not only does she have value, but her submission is a gift of great value which should not be wasted on the unworthy.
In such a case, the metaphor of submission as a gift can be very useful. I, for one, am not entirely comfortable with that notion, but am certainly willing to take a closer look at it. Can you think of any other situation or scenario in our society where gifts must be earned? We have words for the things we earn in our culture; words like wages, paychecks, tips and bonuses. I will certainly admit that a Dominant should earn a submissive's trust, respect and love as their relationship evolves but, at the beginning of any relationship, there is often going to be a significant leap of faith involved.
At that point, a Dominant may have demonstrated certain traits that make him attractive and potentially worthy of such a leap of faith, but it is doubtful he has earned much. A gift, by definition, is something that is given with no strings attached and no expectation of getting anything in return. When something is bestowed upon another with the expectation of getting something else in return, that is what the legal beagles like to call quid pro quo, which is Latin for trading "this for that.
Most people would respond that every submissive expects something in return for her submission. That something may include love, respect, guidance, leadership, mentoring or affection, to name just a few of the infinite possibilities. So, yes, there usually are strings attached. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. By the way, one rarely - if ever - hears mention of a "gift of domination. If a person's submission has intrinsic value then doesn't a person's domination? The only explanation I have been able to come up with for this apparent lack of any mention of the gift of domination is the fact that Dominants - with their big honkin' egos - rarely have to be convinced of the value of their contribution to a relationship.
As we've mentioned previously, there is obviously something being mutually exchanged in these relationships, but what is it, exactly? For many, it's difficult to understand the notion that power is somehow being exchanged in both directions between a submissive and a Dominant.
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One of the reasons it can be unclear is the fact that quite often, we are talking about two completely different relationship dynamics. On the other hand, the BDSM dynamic governs play activity and physical interactions with our mates and play partners. Another reason for the general lack of clarity on this issue may be that there are many different ways we can define power.
There is even some controversy over the question of whether something can be considered real power if it isn't exercised or exploited. Some people believe that it isn't so much power that is exchanged in TPE, as it is authority. The intrinsic difference between power and authority can best be explained thusly: If we were talking about a car, then power would be what was under the hood. Exercising that power would mean taking the car out for a spin.
Having the authority to do so might involve a driver's license, possessing the keys, or having the title and registration. The reasons for this should be fairly obvious but, to the casual observer, the true nature of the two way exchange may not be. It may be easy to see the authority that a submissive grants to her Dominant to exercise power over her life. It's also easy to see that, even though her Dominant may be exercising that power, the submissive always retains the power and authority to revoke it at will, at any time.
Consider the submissive who may be perfectly capable of managing her own household budget, but has ceded the authority to do so to her Dominant. Another example is the submissive who may be required to get permission from her Dominant to have an orgasm - any orgasm - even though the power to bring herself to orgasm has always been there, and always will be. In these two examples, the power is retained even as the authority is given. Those powers are considered by many to be god-given, cultural, and legal in nature, and universal to everyone.
So, if the power to say no to a Dominant shouldn't be considered part of this so-called power exchange, then what should? I believe the answer lies in asking the question in a different way. Every Dominant should make it a point to ask his submissive some variation of the following: "Have I empowered you? By directing me to carry out tasks that I would normally have avoided, you taught me that I am smarter, stronger and far more resourceful than I ever thought possible. Knowing that you treasure my submission gives me strength and a real sense of worth.
I know you don't share these things with just anyone, and the fact that you share them with me makes me feel very special. This knowledge could hurt you, even destroy you, and yet you trust me with it. When I am weak or indecisive, I am able to draw on your judgment and guidance and say, "My Master would not be pleased if I were to do what you've asked of me. You make me want to be a better person, not just a better submissive, because I want you to be proud of me.
You gave me a chance to work side-by-side with you to inspire you, motivate you, nudge you, or challenge your assumptions. Others may think they know you, but they don't know you like I do. It would be difficult for anyone to hear or read these responses and not know for a fact that the phenomenon of power exchange is a very real one. There is no question that both a Dominant and his submissive can be empowered by their relationship dynamic. The degree to which that empowerment is fulfilling, significant, meaningful, or symmetrical is entirely up to you.
You may even know of additional categories or traits that are not fully represented here, and that's okay. No book on this subject is going to be able to capture every aspect of the lifestyle or its many subcultures. Even so. I'm sure you'll recognize many of the character traits and behaviors we're about to explore, and perhaps even learn a little about yourself and others you may know.
As we go through these categories, you may find yourself wondering why there is no category designated for the "sex slave. I believe that sex is something that a person does; it is not a very good description of who someone is. Frankly, anyone can have sex or role-play the part of a sex slave. That doesn't really tell us anything useful about who they are, how they love, or how we can love them. There is a very real distinction between being in a relationship with the Lesser God Dorn, versus being attracted to a Lesser God Dorn. The reason for this distinction is actually quite simple.
She rarely enters into any relationship with a Dominant as an Acolyte; she is invariably converted to it. The Acolyte may be referred to as a disciple, follower, worshipper or priestess, and considers herself not only her Dominant's number one fan, but also as a holder of sacred knowledge, a gatekeeper with the keys to her Dominant's inner sanctum, and a part of a relationship that 53 MICHAEL MAKAI will endure through eternity, transcending even death.
The Lesser God and his Acolytes are part of their own private religion, where sin and redemption are redefined and the Dominant sits at the center of his worshippers' universe as a god or prophet. They don't expect or need the rest of us to understand, as long as it continues to work for them.
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Of all the submissive types, the Acolyte usually is in the greatest danger of potential abuse, even more so than the Novice see below. A Lesser God Dorn considers himself unbound by any rules other than those me makes for himself, and the Acolyte typically exists in a detached, isolated and sometimes amoral reality in the presence of her own personal god. When things are going well in this kind of relationship, they tend to go very well. But when things begin to go badly -and they often do - it can be a disaster of biblical proportions.
This can become problematic when the Lesser God Dorn is revealed to his Acolytes to be a mere mortal, or when the group feels threatened by outsiders. The relationship between the Acolyte and her Dominant always reminds me of the movie Ghostbusters. In that movie, an immense and horrifying demon peers at the diminutive Dr.
Stantz tentatively replies, "No. In the midst of it all, fellow ghostbuster Winston Zeddemore grabs Stantz by the collar and screams, "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes! A Brat is a submissive who is generally well-behaved, but has made misbehavior, teasing, and limited kinds of defiance or disobedience an integral part of her Dominant-submissive dynamic.
Preferably, this occurs with the full awareness and at least the implied approval of her Dominant. When such is not the case, problems will invariably arise. There is term for submissives who conduct themselves as Brats without the approval of their Dominants. We call them phony submissives. This ridiculous notion completely ignores the fact that it is the dynamic between the submissive and her Dominant that defines her. No submissive nor Dominant, for that matter is defined by how they treat everyone outside her relationship. If such were the case, categorizations would not only be impossible, but meaningless.
This silly notion also requires us to believe that we can truly see what happens behind closed doors in someone else's relationship dynamic, in order to say, "She behaves perfectly with her Dorn, it is only with others that she is a brat. It is far more likely that the submissive's bratty behavior is universal and whitewashed by a Dominant is complicit in it because prefers to keep his own inability to deal with it a secret.
The very serious question of how much disobedience or disrespect is too much can only be answered by the 55 MICHAEL MAKAI individuals in that relationship, and will almost always raise questions about whether or not the submissive is "topping from the bottom. It is quite often accomplished without the Dominant even being aware of it and, sometimes, without the submissive being conscious of it, either.
It is my humble opinion that any submissive who routinely tops from the bottom should not be considered a true submissive. That isn't to say she isn't a good person. It just means she isn't a submissive. She may spend time in these enclosures for play-time only, or during select portions of the day, or even to sleep in. Go figure. More often than not, the Domestic sub is expected to be available sexually to the Dominant, his other submissives, or guests. In some relationships, humiliation role play is quite often a significant part of the dynamic.
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The Domestic sub may be involved with virtually any kind of Dominant; however, the most likely scenario is a relationship with a Sadistic Dorn, FemDom, or Lesser God Dorn. The Kajira A female Gorean slave is referred to as a kajira plural: kajirae which, in the fictional language of John Norman's novels about the planet Gor, means "slave-girl.
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Another term that is sometimes used synonymously for kajira is sa-fora, which is said to mean "daughter of the chain. Kajirae, almost by definition, are typically involved in relationships with Gorean Masters, however it is fairly common to find submissives who consider themselves kajirae or at the very least, trained as one involved with other types of Dominants.
The reason for this is actually quite simple. They are expected to render absolute obedience to their Masters, whether or not they harbor any affection or love for him. The penalties for disobedience are quite harsh and, at least in the novels, include the penalty of death. Kajirae may be sold, given away, or loaned out to others for sexual favors, and they may not refuse nor even voice disapproval of it. Kajirae are often expected to wear highly- stylized silks, bells and jewelry, and to learn a variety of dances, serving rituals, poses, and sexual positions.
It is relatively common for kajirae to speak of themselves in the third person and to avoid direct eye contact with free persons, though there is some controversy regarding whether this is prescribed in the fiction or simply a custom that has become attached to the subculture. Gorean philosophy teaches that there is a natural order of things, and that natural order includes the subordination of women by men.
The role and status of women in the Gorean tradition can best be summed up by this proverb from John Norman's writings: "There are only two sorts of women-slaves, and slaves. This sort of age play often involves behaving, speaking, dressing in a child-like manner, or engaging in typical child-appropriate activities, and may or may not involve sex or other adult-appropriate themes. While most Littles and their Daddy Dorns find age play to be sexually stimulating, there are also many who simply find comfort in the simulated adult-child dynamic and do not associate it in any way with sex.
The salient issue is rarely whether such a thing is possible, but whether or not it would be ethical to be involved in a relationship with a Little, if it is. Fortunately, for almost everyone involved, the overwhelming majority of Littles are perfectly capable of slipping in and out of the role of innocent waif as needed and appropriate, both in and out of the bedroom. It is not at all unusual to see a lifestyle babygirl who, at the end of a long workday as a high-powered executive and an evening of helping her teenage kids with their homework, wants nothing more than to watch her favorite cartoons with her Daddy and to have a bedtime story read aloud to her as she drifts off to sleep.
It would be easy to assume that all Littles eventually end up in relationships with Daddy Dorns or, at the very least, potential Daddy Dorns, but such is not always the case. Since age play is typically frowned upon and shunned by the general population, Littles and Daddy Dorns often learn to suppress or conceal their true orientation, which makes their quest for suitable life-partners who share their way of thinking far more complicated and difficult than it ought to be.
It certainly doesn't help that when most people outside of this lifestyle hear the words lolita or babygirl, their first thought is usually of a sexually abused under-aged girl, rather than a kinky middle-aged housewife with a pacifier in her mouth. Their practical need to stay under the radar has led to the exponential growth of online venues where real-life Littles and Daddy Dorns are able to meet, mingle and develop relationships.
Because the dynamic can mask naivete and places more emphasis on cuteness than common sense, these online venues also tend to attract people who are actually mind-numbingly immature or under-aged. This, my friend, is what nightmares are made of. The problem is, it usually isn't simply a matter of badly wanting to be a part of it, but of badly going about it, as well.
This often involves a frenzied quest to find a Master - any Master - and to have that accomplished by dinner time. This condition is often referred to as sub frenzy, which we discuss at greater length elsewhere in this book. As one might expect, the Novice submissive's efforts usually end in miserable failure but, occasionally, she is unexpectedly presented with the worst possible outcome: success. When that happens, the Novice is usually hastily collared by an inexperienced or phony Dominant, used and abused physically, emotionally, and sexually, and then unceremoniously dumped like yesterday's Chinese take-out.
The Novice's first collar typically lasts about as long as it takes the so-called Dominant to reach an orgasm or, conversely, to learn that it isn't going to happen. Sometimes, the collar will just fade away in a muddled fog of uncertainly over the following days or weeks as the hapless Novice struggles to figure out what went wrong and whether or not she still has a Dominant.
Nevertheless, the undeterred Novice usually sets out again to do it all over again, ad nauseum, again and again, and again. It should come as no surprise that the Novice submissive has a very high likelihood of eventually becoming someone who passionately believes that BDSM is for losers. After all, she has nothing but her own pathetic experiences upon which to base her judgment. This makes me sad. So, how does someone successfully navigate the treacherous path from Novice to true submissive?
The first is quite simply this: Time is your friend. Don't be in such a hurry to find, submit, or commit to a Dominant. He isn't a carton of milk. There's no expiration date stamped on his ass. He'll still be there tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. If it is meant to be, then a few days or weeks won't make much difference in the grand scheme of things.
It's often tempting - even irresistible - to leap into a relationship while your endorphins are pumping and your heart is racing. But it is also almost always going to be a mistake. Take your time. The second principle would be: Consider a collar, if one is involved, as symbolic of your mutual commitment. We'll discuss collars in greater depth in Chapter 5: The Collar. What are your obligations to me? Am I an equal partner, unequal partner, or property?
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What happens if either of us fails to live up to these commitments? How have you handled these issues in the past?
Are you any good at this? There's nothing disrespectful or inappropriate about any of these question. Don't be afraid to ask. Trust me on this. The time to learn the answers to these questions is before you wear the collar, not after. The third principle is crucial, and often much more difficult than the first two. Here it is, in a nutshell: If you have serious trust issues, don't bother. It may start out great, but it doesn't end well.
While masochists can and do exist in every other major category of submissive, Painsluts rate their own category in the pantheon of submission for one simple reason. The Painslut's primary interest, attraction, and fetish is pain - pure and simple, completely unadulterated, and in heaping quantities. Many of the masochists in the other categories view pain as a wonderful thing, but they typically value pain on a par with the other good things in a relationship. The Painslut goes well beyond seeing pain as a good thing. For the Painslut, it is usually the best thing and, sometimes, the only thing.
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